knowing we tried

Each day feels heavier as we move toward the end of the week. I’m making the most of the time I have with Bubba, enjoying our favorite walks and play time and bumming around the house together. I’ve been preparing myself for saying goodbye. I’m doing my best to be fully present and emotionally connected to everything that’s happening. As the days pass I have moments of heartache more often… realizing that I will never walk to work with him again, that we’ll hike no more mountains together, that eventually I will stop finding his black fur all over the floor and my clothes. I don’t know how I will walk around my neighborhood without feeling sadness; these streets and paths that I never visited before Bubba will always be connected to him. I am thankful for these days but it is hard to say goodbye over and over again.

But then there’s this. Unexpectedly, I got a call over the weekend from a man who is friends with a dairy farmer who lives a couple hours away. This man’s dog of many years recently died of old age. He lives alone on 250 acres and he’s looking for a new pup to keep him company. Of all the people who have responded to the postings about Bubba, this has been the most hopeful sounding one. I have no idea if it could actually work. I don’t know what Bubba will think about cows, or the big open space, sights and smells of a farm. I don’t know if he’ll relax enough to show off some of his good qualities. I don’t know whether this farmer will be able or willing to handle him. I’m not counting on anything, but I am hopeful and it’s nice to feel something other than dread. At this point I can’t not check it out. I would always wonder if this was the thing that could have worked. So today Bubba and I are hopping on the Turnpike and heading west to visit Farmer Peter. We’ll try to make a good and honest impression, and maybe he’ll think about giving Bubba a shot at country living. If it doesn’t pan out, it’ll still be a nice road trip and we’ll find some dirt roads and stone walls to explore while we’re out there. And I will be able to tell myself that up to the end, I tried all I could.

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